ownership

I think in pictures and stories so the best way for me to communicate what Ritalin is giving me it to show you.

The week after I filled the script for Ritalin I was again in my therapists room. I told her that I have taken just 10mg a few minutes before our sessions. I asked her if she would tell me afterwards what she noticed, if anything.

We went on with the session, getting back into the process and wading through the mud that is trauma and life and healing. Near the end of the hour she reflected on what she had noticed. It was astounding.

She said that in all of our sessions over 2 years I had seldom spoken in complete sentences and complete thoughts. I circled around often, hurrying ahead, speaking quickly. She showed me her clinical notes and how up until then they were littered with arrows making connections. On that day, the notes had no connecting arrows. I had spoken clearly, mindfully and finished my thoughts. Her notes of my thoughts had order.

I drove away that day, with the image of how my life had been going so far. Imagine hundreds and hundreds of colourful post-it notes placed carefully all over a huge field with shady spots and sunny spots and uneven spots. And on these curled up squares of paper that aren’t designed to stick down very well were incomplete sentences and single words neatly and legibly written.

Now look a little more carefully at the field. The uneven surface and tendency for post-it notes to not stick too well. The tiny space for complete thoughts. Practically, this is a very poor way to store thoughts.

And there I was, on that field, trying so hard to keep all the notes in place and stuck down while little gusts of wind blew through, people walking past and kicking balls onto the field while I rushed around trying to get each note back where it came from and fixed to its spot. Every now and again, I could see myself holding the right ones down at the right time, lying face down and using every inch of my body to weight the pieces threatening to be lost forever.

On the first day that I tried Ritalin, it was as if all of those notes found their matching partners, lined up and stayed put. Even as the wind blew. My first emotion was relief. Total and utter relief that each thought would stay where I put it. There was finally order in the disorder and I could rest.

ADHD thinkers are typically very good at problem solving and my post-it note system aligns beautifully with how I think in a connected and creative way. One of my concerns before trying Ritalin was that I would change. I had heard so many parents express this same fear about their children.

But for me, without a doubt, it changed nothing about me. It didn’t change how I think or problem solve. What it did change was now I can rely on my thoughts to be there. I no longer have to hold so tightly to them because I am not sure if they will stick around.