Sometimes we have to walk a little way down the road we think we want to choose to really know if it is the road we want to take.
Earlier this year I tried out for the Mountain Search and Rescue team. At the wonderful age of two score and nine (that has a pretty good ring to it) I had not felt stronger in quite some time.
The weekend was to involve a 5km hike with a 27kg+ backpack up an elevation of 300m. Then a 30kg water carry for 100m. Wild camping with no tent and no cooking equipment. We were to do a navigation exercise using co-ordinates and a phone app, abseil and then swim in the freezing cold mountain water with our clothes on. Apparently a lot of people say they can swim but can’t, and so it goes.
None of this was going to be a problem because it is the kind of thing my friends and I do for fun.
I started my climbing journey at the end of 2020, I was 46 years old. My first ever mountain climbing experience was Isolation Pinnacle at Groot Kloof (if you know anything about outdoor climbing, you’ll understand). It was January this same year that I had started climbing and hiking much more seriously and was almost never home on weekends and school holidays. My friends had started teaching me a lot more skills and I was really ready to learn. We were setting up trad abseils, I was leading trad climbs and we were hiking much further which more weight in our packs.
Up until this year, I had been more of a passenger. They walked and I followed. They climbed and I followed. But I was getting stronger mentally with all of the personal work I was doing and paying attention was getting easier. An epic over the Christmas holidays where we were rained off Red Column, a multi-pitch trad climb, kind of solidified my enjoyment of bot the risk and the mitigation of the risk of climbing and the mountains.
I got the call a fortnight after the assessment weekend to say that I had made it through to the next round. I passed all of the tests and overcame all of the hurdles (for the record, this had nothing on Veldskool from back in the day) except one. They felt that they had not had a chance to see my personality yet.
That really floored me and I took a lot of time to figure this out. I hadn’t come face-to-face with the need for group acceptance like this in some years. And they were all half my age. Why had they not seen who I was?
On the assessment weekend, my original gung-ho attitude had been thwarted by my climbing partner getting a tummy bug the day before, so I went with another friend who was getting over the flu. He is a very strong hiker and climber but this weekend he was taking strain.
As we started the first challenge that was the hike, the rain set in and we trudged uphill, all of us trailing behind the next in a line of sorts. We hadn’t been given end coordinates but were assured that there was a sweeper. When the rains reduced visibility I lost sight of the hiker in front of me. My friend was falling behind, weighed down my a steel stretcher that had been added to his load.
If the hiker in front wasn’t going to wait for me, at least I was going to wait for the guy behind me. When he caught up, he was coughing terribly. We found shelter from the wind and took the heavy packs off for some respite. Pulling out some food and sipping water, we waited for the sweeper. After 15 minutes I decided that waiting was getting dangerous because it was getting dark, we were wet and cold and the sweeper didn’t look like they were coming. I send a pin location to the leader and waited another 5 minutes as we repacked our bags, covered them against the rain and hauled them back onto our backs.
The plan was to make our way to the closest camp site that we knew about. As we walked up and over the rocks that had been a bit of a shelter, we saw the leader. He had seen the pinned location and had headed back. Without much fuss, we smiled and greeted them and followed them the rest of the way.
That night, around the Christmas lights that someone had brought in lieu of the fire we are banned from making in the wilds of the Magaliesberg, they apologised for the mistakes they made. I nodded and smiled, their apology was good to hear. They were not arrogant enough to try to cover it up.
For the rest of the weekend I learnt the skills, did what was asked and never complained. I watched them, observing their teamwork and their relationships. They are a good team. They know each other well and make space for each other. I would be very happy if they had to come and rescue me. But did I want to be a part of it?
When they invited me to join tentatively I was faced with some interesting introspection. What did they not see? I was right back in my school uniform again being called the ice-princess and not knowing why that was. Only I wasn’t sixteen anymore and I wasn’t trying to fit in. Maya Angelou calls it belonging to yourself.
I really appreciated that weekend and those rescuers. Without them I may not have figured some things out. I came face-to-face with my stoicism and my nobility. I saw how my humility gets in my way and that I still prefer to look before I leap. I value crossing the finish line with my team rather than racing ahead to win. But I also value excelling and improvement. When I trust you, I am willing to show you the other side of myself, but until then you get the serious me that waits for the guy at the back who is struggling, is level headed under pressure and can manage almost any challenge.
The dreams of saving someone off a mountain was not mine but my amazing climbing partner’s, who has since gone on to ice climb and assist with safety training and extend his guiding certifications and so much more.
I haven’t climbed or hiked since March. I am okay with that for now. It hasn’t left me, not completely. I miss my friends and the experiences and look at mountain sides a little longer than everyone else. My gear remains ready for the next time.
I started down a road that wasn’t for me then turned around and walked back. I don’t feel like I let anyone down and I don’t feel like I abandoned myself. I think I found a bit of myself instead. And it left me feeling content.
